Every day Rascal House makes 5 different kinds of Box Lunches and sells them to the great people of northeast Ohio. I sat down with the Box Lunches recently to learn more about them. They were suspicious of me at first. I don’t blame them. Most reporters bring a tape recorder, maybe something to write with. I showed up with a fork and knife and a stack of napkins. I assured them they had nothing to worry about. I was careful not to lick my lips whenever I looked directly at them. It was the hardest interview I ever conducted.
Me: Who exactly are the box lunches?
Pizza Bonanza: I’m Pizza Bonanza. Seated next to me is The Traditional. My boy over there is Wrap Box Lunch. Next to him is Club Croissant. And next to him is Salad Box Lunch.
Me: You guys look really good! And I mean that in a ‘I’m a reporter and eating you is the last thing on my mind’ way.
Pizza Bonanza: I have no idea what you mean by that, but thanks.
Me: What can you tell me about yourself, Pizza Bonanza?
Pizza Bonanza: I’m a traditional square cut pan pizza with cheese and any topping of your choice. I went with pepperoni today. Folks back at the store said you requested that.
Me: Me? No, I don’t make requests like that. I noticed you brought some friends with you.
Pizza Bonanza: We all did. Every Box Lunch comes with a bag of chips, fresh-baked cookie, condiments and a mint. It’s all about convenience.
Pizza Bonanza: We’re box lunches. People eat us in parks, on field trips, during corporate training seminars, you name it. Once, during the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, an entire team ordered us. We were delivered right to their bus and enjoyed on the way home. You could eat us anywhere you could imagine!
Me: Even elevators?
Pizza Bonanza: I suppose if they’re hungry and in a hurry, yeah.
Me: Hmm. That is convenient.
Pizza Bonanza: That’s what it’s all about, baby.
Me: Wow, you guys have no idea how lucky you are! Hey Traditional, what’s your story?
The Traditional: That’s The Traditional to you. I’m a fresh-made sub with crisp lettuce, sliced tomato and your choice of oven-roasted turkey breast, lean roast beef, smoked ham & cheese, classic Italian deli meats or veggie. As you can see I’m wearing cheese and a hearth baked roll.
Me: I noticed you went with roast beef today. I happen to like roast beef. Too bad I’m not hungry.
The Traditional: Yeah, too bad.
Me: Let’s move on to Wrap Box Lunch, shall we?
Wrap Box Lunch: I’m prepared on fresh whole wheat flat bread and filled with your choice of smoked turkey breast, marinated char-grilled chicken strips, or classic Italian deli meats. Got a call early this morning. Said it would be in my best interest to bring char-grilled chicken strips.
Me: Where are you getting this information? Sure, I may have mentioned something about char-grilled chicken strips. But you have to understand I’m a reporter.
Wrap Box Lunch: If I had a dime for every time I heard that one!
Me: Okay, you’re up, Club Croissant.
Club Croissant: I’m a delicious all-butter croissant filled with premium smoked ham, oven roasted turkey breast, genoa salami, provolone cheese, lettuce and tomato.
Me: What makes you so unbelievably fresh? I mean I can only imagine.
Club Croissant: We’re all made fresh upon order and delivered fast. It’s the Rascal House way. Shouldn’t you be writing this down?
Me: Moving on to Salad Box Lunch. What you got going on there?
Salad Box Lunch: Do you like building things, Mr. Reporter?
Me: Yes, I do. Why do you ask?
Salad Box Lunch: Because that’s what I’m all about. I can be a tossed salad. I can be a Caesar salad. I can be a Chef or a Greek salad. Pick one and Rascal House will build your light and healthy Box Lunch from there. Uh, Mr. Reporter? Why do you keep looking at us like that?
Me: Like what?
Club Croissant: Like you haven’t eaten in days.
The Traditional: Yeah, like you have an ulterior motive for interviewing us.
Me: Ulterior motive? Don’t be silly. I’m just very interested in hearing what each of you has to say. My reason for being here is strictly professional. Now then, who wants to get eaten first?
All 5 Box Lunches: WE KNEW IT!
Pizza Bonanza: I can’t believe he held out this long!
Epilogue: I’m happy to report that no Box Lunches were left unturned following the above interview. I look forward to interviewing more Rascal House meals in the days, weeks, months and years to come.
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