Everything You Always Wanted To Know About 4th Of July Fireworks But Were Afraid To Ask
July 1st, 2018 by Rascal M
In honor of July 4th, we decided to go out of our way to not talk about food by writing a story about the history of fireworks. Well, here goes nothing. The first Independence Day fireworks took place in Philadelphia on July 4th, 1777. The Pennsylvania Evening Post wrote, “The evening was closed with the ring of bells, and at night there was a grand exhibition of fireworks (which began and concluded with thirteen rockets) on the Commons.” Then, and this was so unbelievable they forgot to mention it, everyone went home and dreamt about pepperonis, meatballs, smoked bacon, sliced mushrooms, Italian sausage, green peppers and red onions on fresh-made dough, with super-delicious tomato sauce and cheese. A revolutionary new invention that even Ben Franklin couldn’t come up with no matter how hard he tried!
But it was just a collective dream. The colonists still had a war to win and everyone was too afraid to tell their neighbors that every time they finished watching fireworks they couldn’t keep their minds off the Super Deluxe Pizza. Which was funny because the Super Deluxe Pizza was not invented yet. It would be another 203 years before a restaurant called Rascal House would start selling them in Cleveland, Ohio, making everyone’s Super Deluxe dreams come true. “Quick, send Moses and that Connecticut Land Company out west!” said an eager minuteman of unusually high ranking who wished to remain anonymous. “He’s not scheduled to go there until 1796,” said his 2nd in command, nibbling on a stale biscuit. “Oh, fiddlesticks! We must really do something about that. If this Rascal House is to indeed open in this faraway land in the year 1980, we must do everything in our power to win our freedom,” cried the unusually high-ranking minuteman who wished to remain anonymous. “Aye. I’m getting tired of these biscuits!” seconded the 2nd in command.
Now, where were we? Oh, right, fireworks! That same year, a fireworks display was held in Boston. And by 1783, fireworks had become available to the public. Rockets, serpents, wheels, table rockets, cherry trees, fountains and sun flowers. We have no idea what these are, but we can imagine a population of people who have to get up and fight a war in the morning calling the police on hoodlums who are still shooting off fireworks at 2 in the morning.
The Revolutionary War finally ended on September 3rd, 1783. Fireworks had boosted morale during the war. Today, they light up the sky with tremendous colors and give people who have their own American stories something to celebrate. That’s why we wanted to write a story about fireworks. The part we threw in about the Rascal House Super Deluxe Pizza was pretty cool, wasn’t it?
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